Thursday, March 5, 2009


Where are you God?
And where is the shephard, knowledgeable and wise, that you have promised me?
You are immovable. Always in the same place. I don't remember moving. I don't recall stepping away from you, yet I look for you and and cannot see you.
The delights that you have blessed me with, the gifts that you have given, have become opressive and strangling.
They climb over me and surround me and shade me from you.
They consume my mind, they steal my strength. My soul is void,it is empty.
I long for your presence. Your abiding comfort, your strength. The strength that you promised, God, where is it?
I pray for understanding and a soft heart when I read your words. The understanding does not come. Why do I not recieve your wisdom? Why am I cast out in the shadows, cold and confused?
I come up for air. I have an hour. One hour of quiet, alone, without other people. I cry out for you, God. I scream out for your Holy Spirit. Why can I not hear your Spirit through all of the noise? Why does your spirit not scream out for me as I do for you?
O, Holy God, these tears course down my face, I can not choke them back. They flow out, taking with them my energy.
You have given me gifts of Mercy and of Encouragement, yet you put me in a place of leadership and teaching. I am so weak, God. I could lie on my face and die. You don't let me. You push me through each day. You allow my eyes to open each morning and my breath to continue through the night. You cause my sleep to be disturbed. You give me troubling dreams. You send visions of tidal waves that destroy everything around me, and my family and my self.
You show me my weakness. You show me that I am unable on my own. I reach for you. I long for you. I fall on my knees to grasp some part of you, yet you leave me alone.
Show me. Show me. I am ready to know. I can not wait any longer. my relationships suffer because of this turmoil in me.
God, make me whole. Give me peace.

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