What I Hoped to Write

There was a time, in high school, where I knew I wanted to write.
Something. I used a journal, but because I thought life was boring, my journal was, too.
I enjoyed writing essays, but disliked writing essays that required me to over think what another author meant when they wrote something. I would always imagine this author sitting at home, reading these essays, and thinking "Yes, there was a political climate, and I had an opinion about it that comes through in my book. Yes, there was a coming of age issue, because that is what happens in life. It's what makes some stories interesting and carries them along. Yes, I used some analogy, but not at every paragraph! There is a major theme, and an underlying theme, but please don't read something in to the way I described someone's eyes as being blue. I just meant that she has blue eyes. That I was mesmerized by them, and the way I can tell you that is to describe her eyes. It doesn't mean that war is imminent!
It must be said, that 9th grade grammar review frightened me off of writing. I love words, but I don't love grammar. I mean, I can see when something sounds right when I read it in my mind, but I can't tell you all the rules of grammar.
Also, digging into some of the books we read in high school put me off of writing.
We read some incredibly dark and brooding books. It isn't that I thought life was all sunshine. I knew better, I just wondered if there was any author, anyplace, that ever wrote anything that wasn't angst and deprivation. I didn't get to Shakespear's comedies until college.
What I wanted to write most, were skits for Saturday Night Live. I know, lofty goals, right?
Turns out, it's a tough gig to get!
I was watching reruns of SNL, not whatever was on at the current time. The show was truly funny. Gilda Radner, Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Chevy Chase. These were funny people.
The Movie 'The Three Amigos' (with Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, etc.) topped my list for funny stuff.
My media influences at this point were the Disney Channel and Nickelodian. I had younger siblings, and this is what they were allowed to watch. Late night movies included Pollyana and Beach Blanket Bingo. I still like Annette Funicello. I really do.
So, I made up the skits in my head. I never wrote them down.
When I found a friend that didn't think I was positively insane for talking through an entire made up skit, I would indulge and go with it. Bouncing ideas around with others is great!
I gotta tell you, though, most people think it's nuts.
Then, when I graduated college, worked a full time job, and had Saturday nights free, I would sometimes watch the current SNL (what was current for 1994).
I was no longer enchanted.
What the folks wrote as funny skits. Well. They weren't. Not to me.
I don't know of the USA just ran out of truly funny people for a while, or if someone told the funny people that being funny isn't a real job. I just know that they weren't on SNL.
My dream died.
I didn't want to write the kind of comedy that was being aired.
It was awful. Really awful.
There were some incredibly funny characters, there could have been hilarity everywhere with them. But what happened?
So, after several attempts at writing fiction, here I sit writing blog posts.
I have written poetry.
In fact, two poems that I wrote as pure drivel, to send off to a publishing company, just to prove that they would publish absolutely anything, were indeed published.
I have written lots of parody. That's pretty fun.
Now, I still want to write. Something.
And I still don't know what it is.
I fill notebooks with ideas. I outline, I draw circles, I doodle.
There are lists of ideas, entries of some phrase or story line jotted down so it wouldn't be forgotten, and still nothing solidifies.
I have children. Bunches and bunches of  them!
I have a house to tend to. Their education. When will I find time!
Yes, I know there are authors that have children and still find time to write.
At what expense, I wonder?
Will the children grow having known their mother? Or just knowing that there mother was a successful author?
There are women that write whose husband's schedules are flexible and are able and willing to help.
My husbands schedule is inflexible. He needs to be there on the days scheduled, and that is that.
My computer sits on the kitchen counter. There is no quiet space in this tiny house.
So, I continue to write in this blog.
For now, I will be satisfied that there is a place to write. A place where I can share my thoughts, even though sometimes they are still a mystery to you.
Someday, my 'life season' will change. And there will be a book.